Values-Based Open Adoption

True open adoption has four observable characteristics:

• The birth family selects the adoptive family.
  
• The families are in face to face, personal contact.
  
• Both families exchange full identifying information.
  
• Both families establish a significant ongoing relationship.

These characteristics could be summarized as choice, proximity, trust, and commitment. Of these four characteristics, the ongoing relationship is the most crucial. To be considered "open," an adoption must involve a significant ongoing relationship. If there is no ongoing face to face relationship, the adoption should be considered semi-open or, even more accurately, semi-closed.

In The Children of Open Adoption, Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner observe that there is a distinctive quality to an open adoption relationship. They suggest the relationship is "like family," that it has a feel of "kinship." They write, "In open adoption, the birth family is extended family, like other relatives within the adoptive family." Their insight moves open adoption from the realm of abstraction to a style of relationship we are familiar with and understand. Capturing the heart of open adoption in a single idea, Brenda Romanchik, a birthmother, notes, "Genuine open adoption features a relationship between the adoptee and his or her birthfamily." Respect for children is always at the core of open adoption.

Although open adoption is defined in terms that are observable, it is probably best understood as a set of attitudes. Open adoption only comes fully alive when it is founded on sincere care and mutual respect. Psychologist Randolf Severson states it well in the context of "courage, compassion, and common sense." It takes courage to face uncertainty, compassion to consider the experience from the perspective of others, and common sense to give the situation the practicality necessary so it truly serves the interests of everyone involved. When attitudes are positive and birth families and adoptive families work cooperatively and sacrificially on behalf of children, the results can be extraordinary.

What are these values? We believe every adoption plan must be:

• For the adoptee. Every child deserves to be honored as a unique gift from God. The needs of the adoptee are paramount.
• Based on candor. Accurate information equips people for effective living. Candor produces the best results when it is coupled with a spirit of kindness.
• Based on choice. People tend to take responsibility for decisions when they freely choose them from real alternatives. Conversely, people tend to resent outcomes which result from coercion of any sort.
• Cognizant of the pain. There is a tragic element to adoption which cannot be ignored.
• Honest. The quality of an adoption will depend on the integrity the participants bring to their commitments.
• Transforming. Adoption is a life-altering experience for each person involved.
• Adaptable. Adoptive relationships are dynamic, never stagnant.
• Community-building. Adoption is best understood as a system. Each participant affects and is affected by the others in the extended adoptive clan.

Like every other style of open adoption, the Values Based approach has drawbacks. This approach relies heavily on personal integrity and honor, and works well when the parties are honest and forthcoming. Realistically, though. we know that there will be times when honor is set aside in favor of expediency. Unfortunately, if people abuse the honor system, there is no recourse for those who have been taken advantage of. To help protect against the prospect of dishonorable behavior, the Values Based system requires a great deal from the professionals involved in terms of screening, preparation, and inspiration.

The Values Based approach to open adoption also runs the risk of generating a "pedestal effect." We expect exceptional results from our participants and these expectations are usually met or exceeded. Participants are complimented and affirmed by our expectations, and they respond positively. Eventually, though, it is human to fall short of expectations, and it is especially painful to admit our shortcomings to people who believe in us. It is possible that pride can prevent participants from reaching out for help.