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I’ve been reading about step-parenting for a class I will be teaching this summer. As I am a step-parent, it is kind of like reading the instructions after assembling a model by trial and error. However, in addition to the opportunity to see how the opinions of “experts” agree or disagree with the lessons learned by hands-on experience, I was struck by the similarities of the tasks of step-parenting with the tasks of pastoring when one begins a new call. Both situations are likely to struggle with a false idealism. For a second marriage, the myth is that by re-marriage the nuclear family has been restored. A single parent may imagine they are providing something wonderful for their children by restoring to the home what has been missing: a new Mom or Dad. But that is a myth that soon collides with reality. It is impossible for a second marriage to recreate a nuclear family for the simple reason that this is a family that now has a previous history. First marriages create history and tradition together. Children grow into traditions and have no past history to compare it to. Re-marriages must deal with established history. No matter how well-intentioned or lovingly administered a change of routines, traditions, rules, or expectations may be, they will be perceived as a threat, not a gift. In a similar way, a new pastor’s welcome into a congregation is always ambivalent. The hope and anticipation that a new spiritual leader will restore what has been missing during the interim soon collides with the reality that what has come to pass is not restoration but something quite different. The new pastor is likely to stumble unaware over some of the rules and expectations and traditions from the past. Others are intentionally exchanged for “something better.” In either case, the congregation, like a step-family, is apt to focus more on what they lost than what they gained.
Some studies have shown that children in a step-parent family don’t do any better emotionally, socially, and academically than those raised in single parent families (nor, it should be added, do they do any worse). In other words, a step-parent is often a non-entity. Despite those unpromising statistics, however, I am unwilling to conclude that is always the case. Recognizing the limits of the role goes a long way toward making it an important one. Step-parents who patiently build ties and connections, who are patient and loving and are not automatically reactive to some of the rejection which they may at first receive, in the long run can make significant contributions to a family.
Be sure to stop by the LFS booth at the upcoming District Convention or the Synod Assembly and pick up our new Partners in Caring and the Nebraska Lutheran Disaster Response brochures. A brochure about the new Pastoral Care Specialist class, a two year program developing pastoral care skills, will also be available. This class will meet in Kearney beginning this Fall. If you would like one mailed to you, send me an e-mail. “A Funny Thing Happened on the way to Nebraskaland Daze,” a fun day for all church workers (including pastors, teachers, parish ministry associates, church secretaries, family life educators, etc.) will be held in North Platte on Saturday, June 17. The “Crazy Norwegians” as well as Mary Henning, a humorist and story teller, will provide entertainment. Additional details and an on-line registration blank can be found at the LFS website (www.lfsneb.org). Please register by June 7.
In Christ's Service, Roger Kruger (402) 978-5670 (direct line and confidential voice mail) This e-mail newsletter is an endeavor of Partners in Caring, Lutheran Family Services of Nebraska, Inc. I envision it as a way to share ideas, resources, and conversation about the joys and struggles of ministry. I welcome your input. Feel free to pass it on to friends. If you wish no longer to receive copies of this newsletter, please reply with “unsubscribe.”
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Step-pastor
Thus, though you may called “pastor,” you are more likely to be treated as a “step-pastor.” Your very presence resurrects feelings of loss. If the congregation’s predominate memory is of an ideal pastor who left after many years, your perceived inability to measure up will accentuate the grief. If the memory is of the tumultuous times that led to the previous pastor leaving, every misstep or miscommunication will reawaken unpleasant associations and fears that it could happen again. Even your access to your parishioners, like that of a step-parent to the children in the home, will in subtle ways be mediated through others. Those who carried additional responsibilities during the interim and perhaps also during the crisis that preceded the departure of the previous pastor, while eager to see you arrive, are also reluctant to give up the power and the responsibility they have inherited. Like single parents, they have inherited the mantle of the protector. Their primary commitment is not to you but to the other members of the congregation. 
Can the same be said about step-pastors? My guess is that in the first two or three years of ministry in a new location, a pastor who too aggressively tries to pursue a new agenda will soon become the vilified step-parent. However, one who recognizes that titles don’t automatically convey authority, who patiently works at understanding and valuing the past, who carefully goes about building relationships and doing solid ministry, will eventually not only be called pastor but will be accepted as one. 