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The number of significant relationships people maintain has declined sharply over the last twenty years, according to a recent longitudinal study conducted by sociologists at Duke and Arizona Universities. Participants in the survey were asked “Looking back over the last six months---who are the people with whom you discussed matters of importance to you?” Between 1985 and 2004, the mean number of confidants that people could name, decreased by one, from 3 to 2. Those who could not name anyone increased from one in ten to one in four. Relatives remained the primary resource that people turned to for important discussions, with a slight increase in the percentage of people who listed their spouse as the one with whom they talked. However, the categories where the most precipitous declines occurred were “neighbors” (18.5 to 7.9%), “coworkers” (29.4% to 18.0%), and “co members of a group” (26.1 to 11.8%). The latter group is the one of most concern to those with an interest in congregations, as that is the category which includes the relationships with our brothers and sisters in Christ. The researchers acknowledged there may have been other factors which affected the outcomes. What people define as “important matters” may have shifted, especially in the wake of 9/11. The population as a whole may have become more surly and less inclined to respond at length to telephone surveys. Yet, given these caveats, it is undeniable that something significant has happened. In this age when technology has loosed the geographical limitations of relationships, people have fewer and fewer sources for significant conversations. Clergy, of course, have often struggled with the lack of friends. Typically, the longer one is in ministry, the fewer friends one has. In the midst of many acquaintances, there are few confidants. One of the most important keys to sustaining oneself in ministry is to be able to identify peers and mentors with whom one can discuss “important matters.” The survey, however, draws attention to the reality that many parishioners are struggling with the same lack of meaningful relationships in their lives. Numerous instantaneous cell phone conversations, text messages, and revealing oneself to the world on YouTube doesn't equate with meaningful conversations any more than daylong snacking equates with a good meal. And why is it that important conversations are not taking place in church? Why is it that only something less than one out of ten people (since, presumably the 11.8% who confided with “co members of a group” included other types of associations as well) can reflect on a discussion of “an important matter” with a pastor or fellow parishioner within the last six months? It may be worth thinking about. In the midst of the many meetings, Bible Classes, luncheons and other activities in which you participated in the last six months, how many “discussions of matters of importance” have taken place? My guess is that despite the practice of public confession, congregations are frequently not safe places to be honest. The perceived need to teach people about godly living and to uphold Biblical standards gets in the way of practicing nonjudgmental attitudes. As someone once said to me, “The reason the church fails to transform lives is because people are forced to leave their real self at the door of the church.” Small group ministries and Stephen Ministry programs are steps aimed at creating places where honest conversations can occur. But perhaps the most important factor for creating a climate in which important conversations can take place is the authenticity of the pastor. In fulfilling the expectation of setting a good example, it is all too easy to become otherworldly. Gayle Haggard’s statement to the congregation in the wake of the tragic situation that required her husband to resign from the Colorado Springs’ church last week hints at her recognition of the barrier that church leaders unwittingly create around themselves. She wrote “For those of you who have been concerned that my marriage was so perfect I could not possibly relate to the women who are facing great difficulties, know that this will never again be the case.” It is worth exploring how your congregation can become a more honest community before tragedy forces it to be. A Place of Rest Well, it’s official: people would rather sleep than go to church. That, at any way, is what the results of a recent poll by The Barna Group would seem to indicate. When asked what they look forward to the most, the largest number of participants chose “getting a good night’s sleep” (71%), clearly surpassing the only other two items, “spending time with friends” (55%) and “listening to music” (54%) that appealed to at least a majority of the participants. The good news: “attending church services” was more attractive than a number of items on the list, including “reading a novel for pleasure” (25%), “shopping for clothing” (16%) and “filling out tax forms” (11%).
There are certainly strong Biblical foundations for thinking of a congregation as a place for rest, a place to enjoy peaceful silence and the opportunity to reflect. Perhaps one of the reasons people have fewer important conversations is that they don’t have time to think about what is important. Resources of Partners in Caring: Among the resources available through Partners in Caring are these:
Contact me for additional information. Your Support Partners in Caring is able to provide resources to church professionals and congregations partly through the generous support of friends, colleagues, and church organizations. Year end gifts to Lutheran Family Services of Nebraska can be designated, if you so choose, specifically to Partners in Caring. Your support will ultimately impact the work of ministry and help to maintain this resource for the future. Mailing Address:
Important Conversations Example One: While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Bob and his wife Alice listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the men: "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Bob leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?" The rest of the story is not pleasant. Example Two: For reasons far too complex to describe here, Lena and Ole’s friends convinced them to see a sex therapist in Milwaukee. On their first appointment, the therapist began with a long series of questions, one of which was "Do you have mutual orgasms?" Ole and Lena looked at each other quizzically for a moment, and replied, "No, ve haff Lutheran Brotherhood." In Christ's Service, Roger Kruger This e-mail newsletter is an endeavor of Partners in Caring, Lutheran Family Services of Nebraska, Inc. I envision it as a way to share ideas, resources, and conversation about the joys and struggles of ministry. I welcome your input. Feel free to pass it on to friends. If you wish no longer to receive copies of this newsletter, please reply with “unsubscribe.” |
The Decline of Important Conversations 
Beyond the usual jokes about the soporific effects of sermons, there may be a useful insight here. When congregations are transformed into places of frenetic activities in an attempt to meet peoples’ needs, we may in fact be contributing more to their needs than assuaging them. Busyness and lack of time are clearly pressures that most are dealing with in today’s world. When more church activities are added to already overcrowded lists, no wonder a good night’s sleep begins to sound like bliss.