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I’m working at forgiving Henry. At one of the meetings at which he presided as council president, he conducted an informal poll. “Who do you think was the best pastor this congregation ever had?” he asked. My name was conspicuously absent from the names he proposed for their consideration. That was about twenty years ago. The reason the forgiveness process has been so slow is that for a long time I didn’t see it as a matter of forgiveness. Henry wouldn’t have admitted to having done anything wrong. This incident was characteristic of his hectoring behavior while playing to the crowd. If I would have expressed disapproval, he would have accused me of being thin-skinned or a whiner, proof that I didn’t belong on the “hall of fame” list of pastors. So, of course, if he didn’t see this as something in need of forgiveness, I didn’t think of it as something I needed to forgive. Yet, the very fact that I remember this incident after all these years tells me it belongs now on my list of things I need to work at forgiving. These thoughts occur to me now because I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why is it that in the church, an institution created and formed around the cross of Christ, so little forgiveness actually takes place? Oh, sure, we talk a lot about forgiveness. We publicly state to one another that we are sinners. We will even occasionally admit to having driven too fast or having not been as faithful about our devotional life as we would like. But when it comes to actually owning up to the ways we have hurt one another and been hurt, the sin that impacts on our interpersonal relationships, we seem at a loss as to what to do. And I’m convinced that one of the reasons for this is that we really don’t know what to do with anger. Anger is a natural part of being hurt. We are hurt when someone does not provide us with the love, attention, respect, or fairness that we expected or believed we deserved. We have three choices of what to do with the anger that is generated by the hurt: 1) we can express it; 2) we can repress it; or 3) we can acknowledge both the hurt and the anger and seek to resolve it through a process of forgiveness.
But denial of anger is not forgiveness. Neither is condoning nor excusing nor tolerating wrongdoing. So how does one get to forgiveness? The mistake that is often made is the assumption that because the other person wouldn’t admit to wrongdoing and doesn’t want our forgiveness, forgiveness is not called for. Yet, at least initially, forgiveness has more to do with us than with them. It offers the third option for what to do with our anger. The experience of anger leads to a desire for revenge which does not diminish until the existence of resentful feelings is acknowledged and subsequently resolved. Therefore, the first step in the process of forgiveness is to admit that you have been hurt. After all, if you are able to bear it, if it is “no big deal,” if these things are not supposed to upset you, why do you need to forgive? And if you don’t need to forgive (so your mind seems to think) then there is no need to relinquish the noble and justifiable feelings of resentment that you continue to carry.
Your decision to forgive is the beginning of a process. Emotions sometimes take awhile to come alongside decisions. The decision to forgive has no strings attached. It is a gift not dependent on how it is received. Nor is it a way of capturing the moral high ground—“See what a good person I am!” It is a way of beginning to look at the other person in the same way God looks at you. Once having decided to forgive, you are more open to understand from a broader perspective what actually transpired between you. The story we carry in our memories about painful events is rarely complete. Typically it leaves out important details and also includes motives we have attributed to the other—“hectoring” “playing to the crowd”—which at best are debatable and open to further interpretation. Having decided to forgive, it may be possible to have a different kind of conversation with a perceived enemy, one that neither minimizes the hurt that have been experienced nor results in further confrontation, one that may result in a broadened understanding and a renewed relationship. I no longer have an opportunity to have that kind of conversation with Henry—at least not until I join him in the Kingdom of heaven. However, I know enough about his past to have some understanding of exactly why he came to be a bully and how it served him in his life. Curiously, though I knew those things about him then, I wasn’t able to incorporate them into my understanding of his motives until I started to work at forgiving him. The whole incident now about his list of “best pastors” seems rather amusing. Maybe that’s what forgiveness does. Disaster Preparedness
Quotes “To dwell above with saints we love---oh, that will be the glory! “It’s good to have someone on your butt all of the time, otherwise you would be tempted to pomp you way into heaven.”
In Christ's Service, Roger Kruger This e-mail newsletter is an endeavor of Partners in Caring, Lutheran Family Services of Nebraska, Inc. I envision it as a way to share ideas, resources, and conversation about the joys and struggles of ministry. I welcome your input. Feel free to pass it on to friends. |
The Third Option
Expressing anger has its own risks. That’s why most of us opt for #2. Even though we sometimes lie awake at night fantasizing schemes to get even, most pastors sense that to do so would be unseemly. So we opt for a professional demeanor, absorbing the blows, while inwardly seething with resentment. Resentment is like a good watch: it “takes a lickin’, yet keeps on tickin’.” And so, we see the spectacle of many pastors so hurt and filled with resentment that it has become impossible for them any longer to love their congregations. The only option they can envision is to leave and begin again elsewhere. (And of course, there is also the opposite, congregations that are so resentful about their pastor that they only option they can see is to stop coming or to drive their pastor away). 
Acknowledging the hurt often entails some soul-searching. Why did that bother me as much as it did? What personal needs did it touch? What exactly have I lost as a result of what happened? Forgiveness is about claiming, not denying, the hurt. Only when one has owned the hurt is one ready to actually decide to forgive. 
The recent tornado in Alabama should remind us all again of the need for disaster preparedness. Do you have an emergency pack with items you will need if your house or office is destroyed? Do you have a communications plan if your congregation should become the center of media attention? Do you know the first steps you need to take? Being prepared can make all of the difference in the world. Volunteer LDR coordinators are available across the state to help lead interested people through the process of preparing a congregation disaster plan. If you would be interested in participating in or hosting such an event, drop me a line.