From the June 18, 2006 Council Bluffs Daily NonPareil. Reprinted with permission.

By Kim Bousquet, Daily Nonpareil Staff Writer. Photo by Ben DeVries, Daily Nonpareil Staff Photographer.

For Dennis Oden, watching the birth of his first son, Zach, wasn’t the greatest experience.

However, ask him about the birth of his next three children and his face lights up as he talks about the adrenaline rush. The change in perspectives comes with experience, but also with knowledge.

He’s a changed father.

Dennis was once an Air Force man and a stock car driver. He learned from his father to be stern and physical. While he attended every one of Zach’s games and pushed him in his school work, Dennis was often working — working all day and working on the weekends. When problems hit the family hard, he was too proud to ask for help.

But things changed two years ago. Now, he has found support and help through Lutheran Family Services’ Building Families Boutique, and it’s made him a better dad.

The man who worked hard at the expense of quality time with his kids now gardens with them, teaching them about flowers on a daily basis. He reads to them and takes them to the park. His wife, Rachel, said he has become more of a teacher now.

“I really hadn’t realized what I was missing,” said Dennis. “For me, I’m living for my kids now.”

It took a debilitating condition for Dennis to take a look at how Lutheran Family Services could help him.

In September 2004, Dennis started to experience what he calls neurological problems. Even after two neck surgeries, a knee surgery and removal of a tumor from his back, the problems persist, now in his lower back and with numbness in his hands and feet. His doctors don’t know what is causing his illness, but Dennis suspects it could be a result of a car accident in 1988 or from his years as a carpenter. The pain forced him to quit that job. A year earlier, Rachel went to Lutheran Family Services Building Families Boutique in Pottawattamie County for help.

With two children younger than 5, the Oden family qualified to participate in the free programs. Now with their 3-week-old son Gabriel the program is even more valuable for the Odens.

The classes and programs at Lutheran Family Services were available to Dennis, but like a lot of fathers in the program, he didn’t participate much. Work came first.

With only Rachel’s income to support the family, though, Dennis was faced with a dilemma. He still wanted to provide for his family. It hit him hard when he couldn’t do it financially. About a year after the family became involved with Lutheran Family Services, Dennis realized that asking for help didn’t mean he was a failure as a father.

He started to read the leaflets Rachel brought home. Tips and suggestions started making sense to him. His disability meant that he could now spend more time with his children. Dennis also realized he could still provide for his family through the Building Families Boutique.

With Building Families Boutique, “you’re getting rewarded for being a better parent, for doing a good job,” said Dennis. “We utilize it 100 percent.”

The Building Families Boutique is an incentive-based program that encourages healthy activities for families. Like many programs at Lutheran Family Services, the intent is to educate parents in early childhood development and prevent unhealthy behaviors from forming, according to Meghan Malik, Young Families Initiative program supervisor. Parents can earn points by reading to their children, for example, or by taking steps to improve themselves, be it through parenting classes or volunteer work.

The points earned can then be used toward “purchasing” new or nearly-new items at the boutique. Earning points is one way for parents to learn about budgeting, as some items like a car seat cost up to 4,000 points. The Odens often budget their points for splurges like Christmas shopping each year or for each child’s birthday.

Each week, Dennis and Rachel earn points by attending classes and support groups. The couple has learned a lot about parenting through these classes. Breastfeeding, a topic typically discussed among mothers, is one Dennis can talk about at length (he has seen firsthand how much healthier his kids are because of it).

But the fun stuff, according to Dennis, is the time spent with their kids, which also earns points. Dennis welcomes the interaction.

“You’ve got to spend time with them,” said Dennis. “It’s been great.”

Activities such as zoo visits and story time earn 200 points each. The points earned help Dennis — who does the shopping for the family at the boutique located at 300 W. Broadway, Suite 7 — provide essential items for his three young children at home. Isreal, 4 1/2; Laura, almost 2; and Gabriel. Taking Gabriel for a doctor visit and perhaps attending a parenting class, for example, could earn enough points for some diapers.

Dennis is one of the few fathers in the program, but he is a prime example of how the program is working.

“He is a strong person,” said Malik. “He’s taking care of the family.”

The boutique is open on Thursdays and like clockwork, the employees at the boutique expect Dennis to be the first shopper in. The Odens usually earn between 3,000-3,500 points each week. After buying the essentials (diapers, baby wipes), he uses the extra points for some clothes for his children.

The boutique is not unlike shopping at Wal-Mart or Target, said Malik.

Most of the clothes still have store tags dangling from them and rows of unopened shampoo, baby food jars and tiny shoes line shelves.

“These parents have earned these items,” said Malik.

Dennis said the program has helped a lot and saved money for the family. Rachel agreed, saying Lutheran Family Services has been a life-saver. More importantly, Dennis said, the activities have made them closer as a family.

A few months ago, Dennis attended a class where he was the only father. He didn’t mind much since the mothers and the class taught him a lot, such as how to handle anger and better ways to interact with his children.

“My daughter was a handful and she still is,” said Dennis, noting that Laura would turn off the TV to get her father’s attention, for which he used to yell at her. “But I’ve found other ways to get her interested in things.”

His new approach to his children has created changes in his children’s behavior. “They’re more polite, and they mind much better,” said Dennis. “Our approach (to parenting) is so much better.”

Dennis and Rachel focus on positive behavior and a rewards system now. Good behavior may mean craft time with dad for Isreal or may be a special cookie for Laura. Rachel said Dennis has become a softer parent while she remains like the “sergeant at arms.”

The changes in Dennis are directly related to his increased involvement with the Building Families Boutique. His stress levels are down, and he’s never been closer to his kids.

His only wish, now, is for more men to see what the programs at Lutheran Family Services could do for them and their families.

With about 35 percent of clients being married, Malik said a number of reasons explain the lack of fathers participating. Like Dennis before his disability, a lot of men aren’t that involved because of jobs; many men are working two jobs to help with finances, according to Malik.

Dennis thinks that many men might have a mindset that they don’t need help, that pride may be holding some back from giving the program a chance. But Dennis is certain they can get past that, just as he did, and see all the avenues of help that are out there. “It really does make a difference,” said Dennis. “It’s changed me quite a bit.”